Life is unpredictable. Let Mystic Madge (they/them) divine your astrological fortunes and summon up your most irreverent hopes (and fears).
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time is running out, you better start checking stuff off that bucket list. No, there’s no time to find the list, just do something! Swim with dolphins. Eat a new cuisine. Fight a giant crab (or a regular one with a knife). Don’t text Alice.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Your playful, fun loving side has come to the fore this past month. Now is the time to rein that shit in. Get a hold of yourself and be accountable for your actions. You’re an adult and other people are impacted by what you do. Wear a lucky green jumper next Thursday.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
If you’re reading this, then I’ve had to break cover. I’m sorry. You don’t know me but all of this will make sense soon. Meet me at the cafe on the corner by your work this Friday, I’ll wear a vintage hat. I promise I’ll explain everything. I just hope we’re not too late.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
As a water sign, you can ebb and flow like a river and that can lead to being your own worst enemy. Get out of your own head and try to remember that Aquarius is in opposition to Leo, so they’re the ones you really want to take down. Carry a shiv, Leos are sneaky.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces. Pisces, Pisces, Pisces, Pisces…. What can I say about Pisces? Damn, Pisces, I mean for real, damn! Pisces, shit man, Pisces. You know what I mean? Pisces, man. Pisces!
Aries (Mar 21st – April 19th)
Saturn is in its ascendency and the woods are burning. Deep in the farthest reaches of space, an intelligence older than man’s conception blinks its way into hungry awakening. Be on the lookout for opportunities at work or signs of the end times.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If the weather allows, look around when you’re next outside. Your problems come from the same place as everyone else: inequality. You can’t tackle that alone, so organise. Demand change alongside your colleagues, friends and neighbours, and take the world back from the ruling classes.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That slump that’s been affecting you lately is finally coming to an end as Mercury moves into Pisces. Good news is especially in store if you’ve got plans to travel. He is definitely going to propose this weekend.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Take control of your indecision and make your life as clear as Durham Springs mineral water. Cut out the things you’re unsure about like Durham Springs filters a few impurities from the freshest, purest spring water. Eat well this month and, above all, remember to stay hydrated.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Errands seem to be ruling your days at the moment, but big things are on the horizon. Little considerations will try to get in your way but Leos are natural leaders, so when the chance presents itself, lead.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A cabal of friends, colleagues and associates will denounce you as a Napoleonic conspirator. Some prison time may be in your future but keep your head up, you’ll be coming into some money at the end of it. You may want to consider an elaborate revenge.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Things can be frustrating from time to time but remember that the power to address that lies within you. If you find day to day life is getting on top of you, why not shout at an inanimate object? If no one’s looking, give it a kick. Only you’ll know and knowledge, like kicking, is power.